Joe Kramer is a pen name for an Old Order Mennonite man, who is having difficulty navigating the below journey. We are honored to hold space for him to share his experiences in being gay inside of the church. He loves his culture, but is at a loss on how to navigate the marriage he ended up in, if you would like to write to him directly, send an email to info@themisfitamish.com
Please be aware that this blog contains potentially disturbing information and language about conversion therapy experiences. This is an example of what may happen when gay people are encouraged to marry people they are not attracted to. If you want to learn more about the experiences of straight women who marry men, please consider this article from Psychology today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201902/when-gay-men-mismarry-straight-women-bonnie-kayes-story
Thank you for being kind and compassionate. -Mary
Requesting advice: Old Order Mennonite man here, age 41. I've experienced an unwanted same-sex attraction from my earliest memories. I'm now working on the second year in a mixed -orientation marriage; we're surviving -but barely. Ain't nobody happy.
The backstory: I was raised in a very sheltered home. Anything related to sex and reproduction was a taboo subject. Our attitude was that we were in the "most right" church in the world. I was the oldest, and much more inquisitive/adventurous than the rest of my family. This was viewed as a threat which is probably why I never bonded, and always preferred to do things independently from them. The constant negativity/criticism caused me to doubt everything I did. I had a lot of fear around becoming and taking on the responsibilities of an adult, and yet at the same time, I've fantasized a lot about going far away. I've always had a sensitive conscience, and truly wanted to serve God. I embraced and supported our church's views and values.
I don't remember a specific moment where I "accepted that I was gay"; looking back, the attractions were always there; I just slowly came to the realization that I wasn't completely like other guys, probably mid-teens. I tried dating around age 24, but broke it off because I didn't feel like I was qualified to marry. I decided that being single was my only option...that I'd never allow anyone to pressure me into marriage; yet as my friends got married off and my social circle was shrinking, this became increasingly difficult. My desire for romantic love was growing. At age 30, I connected deeply with another conservative SSA guy. Breaking off that friendship "for conscience sake" plunged me into depression and despair. Out of desperation, I approached a church leader (who had written a pamphlet on homosexuality) for advice. He directed me to a church brother who was a self-appointed conversion therapist. This therapist cautioned me not to receive input from anyone who did not affirm "that God can remove ssa, and that marriage could be a real possibility" He also connected me to a number of same-sex-attracted brethren who "were in happy marriages with women". Every one strongly advised me to consider marriage, claiming that it would satisfy my desire for love. One of them in particular took me under his wing, and put forth a lot of effort to support me. Although what they were telling me sounded far-fetched, still they were so sincere and kind. They had personal experience, and claimed to be able to understand my fears and objections to marriage. I came to trust them ahead of my own intuition.
She wasn't blatant, but I sensed that I was the object of desire of a certain woman in my group of friends; someone who's house church/unhealthy family situation kinda cut her off from having many possibly suitors. She definitely fit the example of a Prov. 31 woman. That's what I admired about her. Our friends were sometimes trying to pair us up because of how well we worked together on projects. My advisors felt like she would be a good fit for me. Eventually she brought up the dating subject with me, and I asked if she could envision a relationship with me. Of course, she could! What followed were a lot of disclosures which did not frighten her away. In fact, she became annoyed by all the objections I was bringing up saying she felt I wasn't committed to even trying to make the relationship work.
What followed was 2 1/2 years of (mostly group/family setting) dating (she was ready to marry at 1 year) and frequent communications with her and my advisors. I tried to do the "right" thing, but it often felt like I was always being prodded and cajoled in the direction of marriage. I tried to be honest with her and the advisors about my feelings. It seems there was some selective hearing, and a lot of spiritual language was used to nullify my fears and objections. (I have too little faith, I'm too negative, I overthink things, the Devil is the source of my doubts since he doesn't want me to marry, feelings would develop after marriage, walking away would bring a lifetime of regret, mixed-orientation marriages worked for my advisors and it would for me too.) In my efforts to do everything right, I occasionally tried to express words of love, and of dreams of a happy future. She latched on to this.
I was so dedicated to our church's views, and so determined to be cured that I was willing to just take the next right step all the way up to getting engaged. At that point I freaked out, and tried to get out. I commented that what they were asking me to do was repulsive of me. My girlfriend said she knew marriage didn't make sense under the circumstances, but God had told her to marry me, and she was at peace about that. I was praying every hour for God to step in and somehow stop the marriage, but He didn't. So I entered marriage believing that she and my advisors all totally understood my fears and reservations. Imagine my horror to find out later that my wife believed I had felt love for her (even though I had specifically told her I felt no emotional or physical attraction, and being together alone was silent and awkward), that I desired marriage, and was just unreasonably afraid of sex. She felt if she was a good wife, she could cure me; and if the sexual part didn't work out, at least we could be good friends and live a happy life together.
Needless to say, the wedding trip and first year of marriage have been a total disaster. I have not been able to connect in any way, emotionally or sexually, or feel comfortable and relaxed together as friends, not even in the same room. I've experienced a lot of depression, and insomnia, and feel totally trapped. It feels like we drain each other like a shorted out battery. Fantasizing about leaving is what gives strength for each day. I loath myself for what I've done; I feel emasculated and ruined. Resentment is creeping in. My wife is always sad and crying and feels deceived and rejected by me. The question has been raised, and with good reason, how long until our mental and physical health begins to fail us. I already feel numb and sluggish. Two of my advisors have apologized for giving bad advice. One admitted he thought marriage would prevent me from running off with a man.
What should I do? Divorce is a cardinal sin. Annulment isn't recognized as valid. Separation would be considered highly selfish, even though in any case, I'd be committed to meeting her financial needs. I want to become a hermit. And what about my wife's desire to be with me under almost any conditions? Is there any way she can be happy with me?
I mostly love my church. It's such a big part of my identity. My experience there has been largely positive. Leaving and starting life over would be a huge upheaval. I'd be vulnerable to self-destructive behavior. I'd carry a lot of guilt and shame...and yet my current regret and shame is almost unbearable. It feels unsustainable. I cannot comfortably face or socialize with any of my old friends now that they are finding out why we appear unhappy. That adds another layer of shame....shame that I allowed myself to be coerced into doing what I really didn't want to/think that I should do; shame that I'm continually hurting a good woman who would do anything for me, shame that I don't think I can keep up this charade of a marriage forever, and shame that most who are approaching me are giving me full responsibility for the situation including that having same-sex attractions is in and of itself a sin, and I need to just choose to reject SSA, change my attitude, buckle down and make this marriage work. My (secular) therapist I've started seeing says it's clear to him that I don't trust myself, that I want others to tell me what to do, and that's how I got myself into this mess between a rock and a hard place.
Has anyone faced anything similar. Is it possible that I would eventually be able to accept and be happy in this marriage if I continue to keep forcing myself to do the right thing? And what about my wife and her feelings? What would you recommend for me to do?
My deepest thanks for your advice.
Joe Kramer
There is no easy answer, 49 y/o TW here. Bottom line. You will be outed. It's a matter of time. Whoever moves first will control the dialog and for the most part the controversy of the inevitable. Please consider talking to an Attorney who will guide you through this and I can only predict that after a few years of what will feel like he'll on earth, happiness will come. I love you.